Chasing Hearts

Even the toughest guy would succumb to the faintest heart break. But I am not even tough. And when my heart was broken, it wasn’t faint. I fainted, that’s all. And I thought I would never fall in love again. But it happened to me. And to the other five people I talked to that night. Love fest? I was hopeful. They were too. So the chase started and in that one lonely night, I became five.

The Chaser

I thought it was you. After all the drama and hardships we’ve been through, I was secretly hoping it would be you. But you chose not to see me that way. You never gave me a chance. You thought I am just a friend for keeps. I am but I thought I was special to you. I was willing to do what I was avoiding for the longest time but to no avail, I never stood a chance for your love. I understand. You explained to me that what we have has been so valuable that you would rather not commit the same mistake you did before. Damn that mistake. But I respect you so much that I’d rather not force the issue. And you’re still the best thing that ever happened to me this summer. And I wish I was the same too.

The Chased

You were so nice, so great and so appreciative of what I have. You never looked at me as some random average guy whose talent is rather miniscule. You uplift my dwindling self-esteem. When I thought I was at the rock bottom of an incomprehensible schema, you thought I was the star of your universe. You were there for me even when I thought no one’s behind me. And I wish I could be that one for you too. I wish I could love you like you do to me. I felt the authenticity in your emotions and that overwhelms me. I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want to rush things either. So we have to let things fall in to their places and see where they may lead us.

The “Friendly Friend”

I knew who you are. I so knew you. Even with your eyes covered with that big black slab, I so knew you. I don’t know why but I remembered everything about you and that moment we first met. My mind never fails to impress me. So it stored a memory of someone I don’t really know and perhaps would never really know until that night. So you would be my friend (a very good one at that). I don’t know much about you but I felt like I’ve known you for so long that we shared stories no other friend knows. And it will continue forever. I hope so since you owe me a piece of your life.

The “Ungrateful Friend”

Should I say anything about you? Shut the hell up. Just because I could not reply faster than you are does not mean I couldn’t type properly. I have been very friendly to you. I don’t know why you are acting up. So shut up and go find someone else.

The Indefinable

I was looking for you for the longest time. I was looking for you when I paid my tuition fee. It was here, the same room, the same queue I saw you smiling at me, asking me about my subjects. And right then, I wish we could talk and spend a lot more time together not just flashes of time I could not even fathom. I wish we could visit our teacher’s office together. I wish we could be more than friends. And how I wish you would know I am thinking and writing about you all the time.

The Failed Not-So-Fatal Suicide Attempts of a Fragile Boy

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You showed me the scars you got from all those scalpel cuts you implanted on your wrist. White cuts from white cuts, you managed to forge a smile while explaining how you got each one of them. I had mine but nothing of that kind. (Yeah! We, suicidal boys, rock!) Like a valiant, feisty warrior proud of his battle wounds, you revealed yourself to me in the most uncompromising situation possible. And there goes my two-cents of respect for you, I was hoping I could do the same and smile my worries away like you did that moment.

I felt a strong connection being developed ever since our paths intersected. I felt like I know your struggles, I know the way you handle things; I know how your mind works. We both pursued the same degree on different universities and you failed to graduate on time, exactly what happened to me. Though our looks are poles apart, the commonalities were just overwhelming to say at the very least.

I saw myself in you, a parallelism we could never deny – you were like me but much better.

I am much more controlled than you are. You were more transparent and more care free. Though our looks may mislead judgments, I know I am the more serious one and you’re the laid back counterpart. And I know I am (socially) way cooler than you are.

Our circumstances made me realize why I travelled the route different from yours. You mirrored what exactly I envisioned on the other side on my very decisions. Like the way you explored the unchartered place I avoided all my life. Like how you managed to hold on to that one dream I let slipped away. Like how you managed to keep yourself together and not have gotten berserk.

Ultimately, we fell down, gone depressed, hit rock bottom, and picked up what’s left on our dignity. We managed to suck it up, deal with stress and move on. We may never hold on to that promise we will never attempt suicide once more, but heck yeah, we will make sure we will be there for each other whenever we feel like chopping our wrists with scalpels.

And So It Goes

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So everything just went back to normal. Things are settled and so are my emotions. I’ve been the least apologetic person in the world but I said sorry. It sucks to know that I’ve made a mistake and screw up and I must take full responsibility for my actions. But at the end of the day, things happen and you just have to cope up.

I once hated March. I am still not very fond of the month but I don’t hate that much. “It” happened in March and the “It” word constitutes every awful event that happened to me in the recent years. An election loss, graduation that’s yet to happen, shocking news of dismissal, break-up and family gatherings (which always puts me in a miserable position). Yeah, my Lady Luck somehow managed to schedule her vacation during this month for the past two years. And I was left there bewildered, paralyzed and depressed. But then again, you move on and forge ahead.

I told someone once that I may go somewhere and make a great escape. It happened. But not for long since escaping from your problems doesn’t get you to anywhere. I once thought I could live another life and forget about my past. But then you’ll realize how many people suffers much more than you do, how many people actually have been there for you, supporting and caring for you, how many people managed to bounce back and got successful in their life.

I am thankful that I am actually facing these adversities this early in my life. I learn what others may experience in their 40’s where they may get depressed and succumb to failure then die. I learned things the harder way and it made me much stronger; much stronger than the boy who first walked the streets of Diliman. I learned a lot throughout these trying times and I am taking note of everyone who had/has been there for me every step of the way.

And so it goes. I may not be able to get what I want now, but I will sure catch up. God knows I am trying.

First Honor

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I am waiting for my turn to walk that long, blue carpet. I experienced it once and it felt so damn great. And to enter last again, wow, I couldn’t be any prouder. Felt like I was in the top of the world, invincible, powerful. No one could dare touch me. Except perhaps for my mom, who’s standing beside me, trying to fix my hair and adjusting my oversized white toga.

And I did felt like on the top of the world. Already in my life, I gave two inspiring speeches, one edited by my Lola who thought I was my uncle’s replica (we do look alike though) and the other, I did with what I really felt which means bashing those who tried to put me down and never believed in me. I almost said “Die, you suckers!” instead of “Thank you for not always believing in me, thus, I proved you wrong.” Yeah, it feels so good whenever you’re on top, as if you can rule the world, as if your words are more authoritative than your comrades, as if everyone looks up to you and tell you that your parents must have been so proud to have you.

And that is exactly what I felt entering the streets of Diliman. Yeah, I can do this; I can do better than some of these people. I can even graduate with honors and well, get a great job, earn some then indulge on the marvels of the world. It’s easier said than done; so much easier said than done.

Last night, I had a fight with my parents. (Hate you Jack Black.) A major fight I wished never happened. But it happened. And I was made to hear what I’ve been avoiding for the two years. I was made to realize how messed up I am now, how my life turned into a black hole of negativity and failures. From gold, I turned into garbage, easily disposable, worthless and powerless. And I just cried and cried harder and cried until I can no longer grasp reality. I grabbed some blade and voila, marked my wrists. But I couldn’t do it really, I am such a failure. I should have been a dead man walking. Like those I see in silent, abandoned places.

And what hurts more is that I felt like my mom could have said more. That I haven’t heard enough from them, how disappointed they were in me, how they thought I could be great and instead became terrible, how frustrated they were in me that I used to be a sweet, fine boy who gave honor to our family, and how they would have wished they weren’t my parents. It hurts like hell to hear those words coming from their mouths.

Perhaps, they weren’t so proud of me after all. Aside from all those petty achievements I gave them, I am truly nothing to them, more so a baggage they could have gotten rid way before. I am and will be worthless without a diploma. And it will stay this way until I get that fucking college diploma.

I used to feel I am at the top of the world, looking over my surrogates, feeling significant and dominant. I used to be there until five years later, God gave me some barricades to hurdle. And it’s not easy to be at the trough of the wave. At the back of my mind, I somehow wished I could have died right after high school graduation when everything was perfect and wonderful. And God knows how I am suffering now. But that’s life when you’re not the first honor anymore.

P.S. To those who once told me they’ll be there for me when I need them, those who said they care for me and love me no matter what, I am in dire need of help and love and care. Pray for my soul and my enlightenment.

Life After You

Yeah, I messed up your life. I probably, somehow, jeopardize your chances last election. I may have caused you sleepless nights for quite some time. Selfish me, I did horrible stuffs I shouldn’t have done. I am sorry though. I am so done with all the drama. I am so fed up with people talking behind my back. I am just sorry.

I missed us, too. How you absorb my furious angst against everyone. How you would calm me down after all the disappointments. How you were there for me when I thought I was hopeless. You were forgiving, caring and understanding. You were there for me whenever I needed you. Yeah, you were awesome. I thought we were made for each other. But then again, it never happened.

It’s been nine months (I lurked at your blog to check for some details) and every one moved on. You have your man, which I think makes you feel loved. I sure hope he makes you happy, still. Aside from occasional flirting with some friends, I haven’t had someone though. But I am great, I am totally fine.

Handing you your notebook is the closest we could get, for now. That moment, I felt nothing. Not a bit of hatred and anger. And that could launch our bid to rebuild our friendship we once had. You can still be a part of my life. But you cannot mess with me now, the same way I can’t mess with yours. Truly, time heals all wounds and this has been my life after you. My battle scars all peeled off and I am as unscathed as new.

Summer

Sana summer na lang ulit.
Para kaklase ulit kita.
Para makita ulit kita araw-araw.

Iba naman na sitwasyon ko ngayon.
Di tulad dati, pwede na tayo siguro.

Nakakatuwa lang.
Kung kailan di na tayo naging magkaklase,
ngayon tayo nag usap.
E dati sa magkabilang dulo pa tayo nakaupo.

Tapos, nung enrollment, nagkita ulit tayo.
Baka dun ko naisip, sana, ikaw na lang yung katabi ko.

Tinanong mo ko kung kamusta na ko.
Sabi ko ok naman na ko.
Nalaman mo kung anong nangyari samin,
sabi mo bigla,
"Goodluck naman sa Valentine's day!"

Salamat sa goodluck.
Pero mas masaya sana kung goodluck sating dalawa di ba?
Haha! Nilalandi lang naman kita.
Pero malay mo, tayo pala talaga.

Sana summer na lang ulit.
Sabi natin noon, magkaklase tayo ulit kay Sir,
sa ibang subject naman.

Sana summer na lang ulit.
Ngayon, ikaw na kausap ko,
ikaw na katabi ko.
Para naman sumaya na summer ko,
pati na rin puso ko.
Corny much!

Sana ngayong summer, SANA.

Troika III (Finale)

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Third Party

You had a problem with your best friend recently. I was there to help you.

You talked about how hard it was for you to lose a friend. I listened to your sorrows.

You said you felt like you were abandoned and things just fell out of order. I saw your struggles.

You asked me to stay faithful as a friend. I did as I promised, though I thought I was rational.

You thought we were good friends. I thought we were close friends.

They knew all of these stuffs. They asked who your best friend is.

You uttered a name, your best friend’s name. Not mine. And I thought, damn, get over it!

I felt bad and betrayed. You never said a thing.

I am just a third party trying to enter an exclusive relationship. You never realized though.

I am just a guest to your sortie. You invited me still.

I told you to get over it. You said the same to me.

I was speechless. You were right.

They knew all of these stuffs. But they know nothing really.

I am going to find me another. You said nothing. I said nothing. Done.