Friday, August 29, 2014

Horizontal Dots

The urge to let it all out still lingers
As the dawn breaks into my midnight terrors;
To confess means unyielding walls could be broken,
But to hold back means nothing will ever happen.

If at some point in our lives, I will cry on my wilted knees
Forgive my wounded soul for saying my heart’s piece.
A permanent crease on my jet black beam
I just can’t bury all of my shattered dreams.

For now I’ll carry on and laugh at my own grief,
But you will always be my favorite what if.

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Sunday, August 24, 2014

Letters from Our Broken Hearts

…because at least once in our lives, we have been crushed, we have been scathed, we have been broken. And although those memories have already been erased, getting them out of our heart’s a whole different story.

Dear You,

“For those who were brokenhearted last 2013, things will only get better, sooner or later”

Tell those words straight to my face and tell me things would get better. Tell me everything would be fine when my world starts to crumble. Right before your eyes, I’m getting miserable.

It is so much easier said than done. When all you’ve ever done is end this game you’ve grown tired of playing. Just like that, I’ve been reduced to being just a stranger, stripped of every right care, denied of every right to claim.

You held my heart the whole time. For six months, I’ve been a puppet on a string. You became a dictator and I was your willing victim, a slave at your disposal. I’ve put up with everything that came up – your busy work schedule, your night outs with friends “you can’t miss”, your sisters’ recital, your dad’s musical, your occasional tantrums, your unnecessary incidentals. I’ve been very understanding for goodness sake but like your old wagon which often breaks down, we’ve become dysfunctional.

I know it must have been hard to be with me, too. I’ve turned selfish and greedy. Could you blame me if I yearn for your attention? Is it my fault to beg for time and affection? I’ve been desperate, I’ve been needy but I swallowed every bit of pride left on my system. I want to make things work, but then again, it didn’t.

Our relationship – if there was ever an “us” – eventually ran its course and I should now let go. Will it ever be easy? No. Will I ever be ok? Yes, but not in the near future. I’ve invested on what I thought is serendipity. I thought I saw my future in you, that I’ll end up with you.

You asked me once if I will marry you and I said I’ll eventually do. But God had other plans for us. And that is we are neither part of each other’s future. It is comforting to know that breaking up with you is a step closer on me finding The One. Until then, we owe it


Dear Me,

Get lost. Get out of my hair. Why? Because I want to, because I can. I’ve seen it before and really, it will never work.


Dear You,

You don’t know how much courage it takes for me to stay calm and collected. You don’t know how hard it is for me to put on an act every day; that I am ok, that I have no problems at all. You don’t know how much time it took me just to accept the fact that I can no longer be with you. And you, you’re just there, unsurpassed, intact, nothing has changed, and you are still you.

Fuck you. Fuck you and your words. Tell me it will never work out when I did everything just to make things work. I’ve been thru hell and back just to give you what you want. I gave you everything I can when I can’t give anything for myself. My whole world would stop when you would call me and I would rush to wherever you are just so that you don’t have to wait. Tell me it will never work. It won’t because you can’t make it work on your end.

How hard it is for you to text me or message when you have your whole day on your bed just watching those goddamn movies? How hard it is for you to give me some attention when you would always update your status almost every half quarter? I waited, waited long enough to realize that I was a just blind guy waiting for some light that will never come.

I gave up on the fact that I will never ever be your #1 priority. I was not even close to being any of your priorities. I’ve been a backup plan just in case your friends would ditch you out. I was your last resort when you’re bored to death and you just want to go out. I’ve always been your last choice and I was succumbed to that fact.

I’ve practically waited my whole life for someone to come into my life and make sense of all these mess. Order in chaos; someone to organize my fed-up entropy. And I really thought it was you. But shit happened and I didn’t see it coming.

Whatever I said, I did or I felt that night, I won’t take it back. Because that’s the time I’ve been sincerest to you.

Out of all the girls I’ve ever loved before, to you I have been most honest, most vulnerable and most broken. So A, unfriend me please and take me out of this bliss.

Throwing out the towel,