Grief
“Ayaw mo na ba
talaga?”, I asked as I tightened my grip to your hand. I knew it has been
decided but I was not ready for it. I pushed my face down to your pillow as I
surrendered to the inevitable. The words were not said but the message echoed.
And the wall, the wall that held me up just collapsed.
Moment by moment, salty drops fell. I could have just walked away and left but
your hug made me a little hopeful, that familiar hug that made my nights comfortable.
Because no matter how many times I said no to you that night, your
hugs were unbroken,
I must have wiped my eyes so much that they were red and
swollen. And when I finally got my bearing, I stood up and asked you for the very last
time –
“Sigurado ka na ba?”,
pleading, for you to change your mind.
“Seeing you standing up there, leaving made me realize
that it’s hard for me to let you go. Because I loved you”, at last, you uttered.
With the force of a person vomiting on all fours, we
began to cry while pressing our cheeks to each other’s’ shoulders. Like a
child, my chin trembled as I begged for another chance and a third or a fourth
of whatever you can offer.
“It’s not working”, you said.
“I’ll make it work.”,
I countered.
“Give me a few days to think about it.”
“You’re not gonna
hear anything from me until you’re decided.”
And by half past two, with guilt and self–pity, a
gentle kiss was how we finally parted.
Denial
That night I knew it had been decided. But I was in
denial.
When you have invested so much on to something, you just
can’t take no for an answer.
When you’re all convinced that the universe conspired to
make your relationship work, you just don’t give up.
You tried really hard to make things work that you cling
to what you thought was love.
You hold on to the idea, that one day, he’ll wake up and decided
that he’ll give the same effort to make things work. You tried everything, even sacrificing your
ideals and principles just to keep him, even when he’s not yours in the first
place. You resisted the fact that he can never love you back the way you wanted
him to.
Acceptance
A week has passed and you have yet to be decided. But I
already made mine. I don’t want to compromise anymore, I don’t want to adjust because
I deserve better. You have to love me for what I can and cannot do, with what I
can only offer, with what’s only right and true.
Because if this was right, it would have lasted, it would
have stayed, it would have been mine. If it’s right, both hearts should have moved, not just
mine.
I accepted the fact that what’s
not meant for me will pass by no matter how hard we try to keep them, that what’s
meant for me will eventually find me, no ifs and buts, no bargain nor plea.
Moving On
To you, I wish life will treat you better. You’re a good
person; you deserve all the happiness in the world. I hope you’ll eventually
find what you’ve been looking for.
It was a good run but it’s sad that it had to end this
way. I will miss making you eat chicken breast because “feeding you makes the
taste less miserable”. I will miss holding your hand whenever I don’t feel
safe. I will miss taking you home after a failed food trip. I will miss
cleaning your room, fixing your things habang nasa CR ka, taking you out in the
middle of the night to get ice cream (kinilig ako nung sinabi mong i got us, Double Dutch and Rocky Road). I will
miss those CR and good morning selfies.
If I had ever forced you to change who you are, know that
I was just trying to help you. You’ll grow and mature in your own time. Go set
your own pace and build your own dreams.
I’m keeping my promise that you’re not gonna hear
anything from me. Allow me to grieve
because I needed to set myself free. I deserve all the happiness in the world as
well even though it’s not going to be you and me. I’ll be fine, I decided to let things be.
