Saturday, March 15, 2014

Twisted Fate

“So ano ng balak mo? Di ka na babalik ng Manila?”

“Dito na muna ko sa Bicol. Wala na kong planong bumalik. Masaya naman na ko dito”

               Then it hits me. I was no longer in your plans. I will no longer be included in your future. There will never be you and me.

                It was rather an ordinary night. I was lying in my bed, trying to sleep when someone called. It was just a number. And it looked too familiar to ignore. For once, I was dumbfounded. I don’t exactly know what to say, I don’t know what to feel. Emotions rushed, those proverbial feelings I had then set in.  It was you. I knew it was you.

                I was playing it cool when you called me up again. I wanted to hug you; I wanted to say how much I missed you. But all I ever said was to never leave again.

                It was exactly a year ago when I almost fell in love with you. Your voice, not the most relaxing but it was placid and cute. The way you sing me the songs I don’t even know existed. The way you narrate how your day went by and I just listened.  Those times when you push me to do things I’m not really sure I can do. Those nights when you tell me you will always be here for me and that you’ll never leave me. But you did leave. I was left there hanging, damaged and scathed.

                Call me stupid, call me crazy but the thing is I never really met you. Aside from all the feelings I invested, all I can even remember from you was this picture you had a black sando on and you sitting comfortably on the driver’s seat. I don’t even know your full name. Or should I say I don’t even know if that was your real name. They say you can’t fall for someone you barely know. I did. And I have no regrets falling for you.

                But so many things happened in between. Too many that I don’t even know if we’ll be able to catch up with each other’s life. We screwed up our shot at love. I wanted something tangible and concrete and you can’t give me that, I thought. You wanted to wait for you till you are ready but I can’t. I wish you could make up your mind and prove me right. Until then, you will just and always be my favorite “what if”.


Saturday, March 1, 2014

Why we should not beg for love?

                So he left you. You cry, you mourn, and you grieve. Devastated, you start to question yourself. What have you done? Where did you go wrong this time?  Will you ever be good enough for anyone? Then, you beg. You beg for a second chance, you beg for one last time to prove your worth. You beg for forgiveness even if it was never your fault. You just dropped down on your knees and beg.

                And you just can’t take no for an answer. So you trap him in a corner and you insist on making him love you back. You gave in to that idea that what you had was the real deal, true love, serendipity. You convinced yourself that the world conspired for your relationship to happen and you just would not give up. You just would not let go of “THE One”. And just like that, you are down in the dumps again.

               Why do we keep on begging for love even if it makes us feel miserable?

   Because it’s extremely addicting. All these hunting and chasing is addicting. You chase, you force someone to like you, you feed yourself to the dragons hoping that some sparks could enflame your burning desire for love. Then you hurt yourself in the process because no one takes your bait.

                Because everyone is blinded with false hope. You cling to what we think is real, you tighten your grip to what you perceive is love. You make sense of even the tiniest of things as tangible proofs for your growing illusions. You hold one to that idea that one day, he wakes up and he might fall for you. But all those sh*t are just that, wishful thinking and mere illusions.

                Because you think you only have one shot at love and you don’t want to ever lose that chance. You will do everything to keep him even if he’s not yours in the first place. You’re so scared to let go of him that you start to impose yourself on to him. You incarcerate him and confine him in your own little world. You resist accepting the fact that he can never love you back.

                Stop begging. Every time you beg for love, you quash your self-respect. You attack your own dignity. You deprecate your own worth. You drain away your power and you let other people mistreat you.

   You should give yourself a legit chance to love and be loved. You should not cling on to the past and move on. You should not give someone a second chance when all along there is someone way better waiting for his first. Stop begging for his love when all it ever gives you was pain. When a man truly loves you, he pursues you. You should love yourself above everything else. You owe it to yourself not to beg.

               At the end of the day, love is something we should not plea for, it is for free. It’s not something that we need to earn, we deserve it. It is not a ransom, we should not bargain for anything less than our worth

   Stop begging. You should know your worth.