Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Longest Night

12:55 AM.

I don’t know what to do. I just sensed frustration on your face. Something’s bothering you. I dared not to ask as you barge outside our door and fled. To where, I had no idea. All I know is that I need to follow you. Yet I have to watch for this one. He could be stupid at times and I am not taking chances of him doing what he did last time. But I followed you still.

1:00 AM.

I am all alone, dumbfounded of what’s happening. I’ve been here standing here outside for a couple of minutes. I called you up – fucking no answer. You told me you’re on your way home. So I waited and waited and waited for you some more.

For the first time in my life, I felt I was truly, really alone. No one I could count on, no one who could help me, no one whom I could share my misery. I almost cried. But I need to fight this chink in my own armor. Think.

But I could no longer see her. I had a vision of her a few blocks away. But now she’s gone out of my sight. Fuck. I don’t know what to do. And I panicked.

1:03 AM.

And you didn’t even bother getting out of your bed? I’ve been running as crazy as hell and there you were, pretending to be asleep and not minding about things? And now it’s clear to me that somehow, you don’t love us that much anymore. And that moment, I swear had I not control myself, I would punch you in your face ‘til you bleed.

I am still surprised that you still haven’t moved a single muscle. I guess you could manage yourself. I need leave you here. I’m going to take my chances and look for her. And I could never forgive myself if something happens.

1: 15 AM

Finally, you showed up. I’ve been standing here for minutes and I swear I couldn’t take it anymore. I could barely talk to you. I just hand you the keys and my trek began.

I don’t know where to find her. As if by instinct, I walked and walked and walked. Wherever my foot may lead me I walked. I don’t know where to begin. All I know was I couldn’t stop walking ‘til I find her.

Streets I’ve never paid much attention with, I checked. Places I don’t know existed within our place, I looked for. Buildings I would not imagine myself into, I entered. I am all over the place. I walked still. I haven’t had a vision of her, not ever her shadow. It’s as if she had no intentions of her getting found. But I couldn’t stop.

…until I had to. I am in the middle of this immeasurable haystack and the needle is getting smaller and smaller by the minute.

2:00 AM

I am back to my starting point and I failed miserably. I don’t have her. I am dead-tired and helpless. Good thing, both of you started taking charge. I could no longer do this chase. I cracked. My spirit’s broken, my faith’s ill-stricken.

And so you left once more. I am alone. Again. And with an empty mind and a scathed heart, I chugged and chugged some beer.

Alcohol must have been really that relaxing. After all the run and chase brouhaha, they found her. And I heaved a sigh of relief.


This is probably the longest night I have experienced ever in my life. And the night keeps getting longer and darker by the minute. I am still waiting for that promising dawn to come and I’ll be forever hopeful it will come. Fingers crossed.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Other Guy

Just because you were in loved first doesn’t give you the right to be possessive. It doesn’t mean that you own every throb of her heart. That every inch of her skin belongs to you and your hand alone. That every neuron of her brain thinks of you and not anyone else. I love her just the same – only I am the other guy.

I must admit I’ve been and is still being the other guy. I am still that third party; that “kept” man; that snake breathing down someone’s neck, that traitor who’ll stab you in your back eventually. I am that guy who illegally takes someone else’s property when it is not in use. But I am no prostitute. I am just in love. Blindly, deeply in love, that is.

This is not an accident. I know what I gotten myself into. I am not an idiot. I can justify my actions though. I am still sane and logical. And I know I am not running over someone here. I can still be that other guy. I am still that other guy.

But that will change. I know it will. And like a blind man in a dark room, I saw it happening clearly. Her gentle hands holding mine, a perfect fit I know fate had designed. I saw her eyes flashed a sign of love and hope that everything will be fine and that happiness is ours forever. And this love story will start with a diminutive step she will take eventually – she’ll crush your heart and leave you scathed.

Or at least I imagined these things to happen.

I saw your eyes pierced through me when you saw me held her hand one fine day. I felt the jealousy right then and there. And instead of throwing her hand out, I played with it more, like how a little baby plays with his first toy. I felt the urge to do some more, so I brushed her hair with my hand as she placed her head on my lap. I felt your frustration. And I am slowly feeding on it. But you just have to walk out. Of course, you would. I incurred you some damage and you’ll then realize I am no mere push-over. I may not mean any harm always, but I don’t play Mr. Nice either.

But no matter how hard I may fight, I may still end up as the other guy. That guy who still waits for his time to exhale, holding on to a hopeless relationship, expressing some grief yet would not accept the demise. And not until I have muster enough self-love on my heart, not until I let the stale air free from my lungs, not until I breathe fresh air anew, I am getting myself bounded to be that other guy.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Forever Blue

It was never my intention to enter your life. I mean, I had too much going on with mine; I could barely make ends meet. But then again, I did. Unexpectedly, I did. And now, I just could not let you go.

I tried to shun you out and forget that I actually cared about you. But that was just plain bullshit. All I ever wanted was for you to do the same for me. But it will never happen.

I tried to gave way and let someone else make you feel special. But it scares the crap out of me because I know that once I let you go completely, I will never have you back.

I tried to think that maybe it was my fate to never have you in my arms. But your hand felt just right – just like how I used to feel before with her.

And it was my entire fucking fault. I know I was being too permissive and I get attached to people hastily. I shouldn’t have let my guards go down. I should have set a barrier or a gap between us. But I never did. And so I am suffering the consequences right now.

I will eventually tell you about all of these nothings – how I can’t sleep at night cause all I ever wanted was to sleep right next to you; how happy I am whenever that phone blinks and your name appears on it; how cool it was to see you in my dreams. But it will not happen soon. Perhaps, it will never ever happen.

Until I have the guts to fight for you, then I will forever wait in vain and be blue.