The Longest Night

12:55 AM.

I don’t know what to do. I just sensed frustration on your face. Something’s bothering you. I dared not to ask as you barge outside our door and fled. To where, I had no idea. All I know is that I need to follow you. Yet I have to watch for this one. He could be stupid at times and I am not taking chances of him doing what he did last time. But I followed you still.

1:00 AM.

I am all alone, dumbfounded of what’s happening. I’ve been here standing here outside for a couple of minutes. I called you up – fucking no answer. You told me you’re on your way home. So I waited and waited and waited for you some more.

For the first time in my life, I felt I was truly, really alone. No one I could count on, no one who could help me, no one whom I could share my misery. I almost cried. But I need to fight this chink in my own armor. Think.

But I could no longer see her. I had a vision of her a few blocks away. But now she’s gone out of my sight. Fuck. I don’t know what to do. And I panicked.

1:03 AM.

And you didn’t even bother getting out of your bed? I’ve been running as crazy as hell and there you were, pretending to be asleep and not minding about things? And now it’s clear to me that somehow, you don’t love us that much anymore. And that moment, I swear had I not control myself, I would punch you in your face ‘til you bleed.

I am still surprised that you still haven’t moved a single muscle. I guess you could manage yourself. I need leave you here. I’m going to take my chances and look for her. And I could never forgive myself if something happens.

1: 15 AM

Finally, you showed up. I’ve been standing here for minutes and I swear I couldn’t take it anymore. I could barely talk to you. I just hand you the keys and my trek began.

I don’t know where to find her. As if by instinct, I walked and walked and walked. Wherever my foot may lead me I walked. I don’t know where to begin. All I know was I couldn’t stop walking ‘til I find her.

Streets I’ve never paid much attention with, I checked. Places I don’t know existed within our place, I looked for. Buildings I would not imagine myself into, I entered. I am all over the place. I walked still. I haven’t had a vision of her, not ever her shadow. It’s as if she had no intentions of her getting found. But I couldn’t stop.

…until I had to. I am in the middle of this immeasurable haystack and the needle is getting smaller and smaller by the minute.

2:00 AM

I am back to my starting point and I failed miserably. I don’t have her. I am dead-tired and helpless. Good thing, both of you started taking charge. I could no longer do this chase. I cracked. My spirit’s broken, my faith’s ill-stricken.

And so you left once more. I am alone. Again. And with an empty mind and a scathed heart, I chugged and chugged some beer.

Alcohol must have been really that relaxing. After all the run and chase brouhaha, they found her. And I heaved a sigh of relief.

Finally.

This is probably the longest night I have experienced ever in my life. And the night keeps getting longer and darker by the minute. I am still waiting for that promising dawn to come and I’ll be forever hopeful it will come. Fingers crossed.

The Other Guy

Just because you were in loved first doesn’t give you the right to be possessive. It doesn’t mean that you own every throb of her heart. That every inch of her skin belongs to you and your hand alone. That every neuron of her brain thinks of you and not anyone else. I love her just the same – only I am the other guy.

I must admit I’ve been and is still being the other guy. I am still that third party; that “kept” man; that snake breathing down someone’s neck, that traitor who’ll stab you in your back eventually. I am that guy who illegally takes someone else’s property when it is not in use. But I am no prostitute. I am just in love. Blindly, deeply in love, that is.

This is not an accident. I know what I gotten myself into. I am not an idiot. I can justify my actions though. I am still sane and logical. And I know I am not running over someone here. I can still be that other guy. I am still that other guy.

But that will change. I know it will. And like a blind man in a dark room, I saw it happening clearly. Her gentle hands holding mine, a perfect fit I know fate had designed. I saw her eyes flashed a sign of love and hope that everything will be fine and that happiness is ours forever. And this love story will start with a diminutive step she will take eventually – she’ll crush your heart and leave you scathed.

Or at least I imagined these things to happen.

I saw your eyes pierced through me when you saw me held her hand one fine day. I felt the jealousy right then and there. And instead of throwing her hand out, I played with it more, like how a little baby plays with his first toy. I felt the urge to do some more, so I brushed her hair with my hand as she placed her head on my lap. I felt your frustration. And I am slowly feeding on it. But you just have to walk out. Of course, you would. I incurred you some damage and you’ll then realize I am no mere push-over. I may not mean any harm always, but I don’t play Mr. Nice either.

But no matter how hard I may fight, I may still end up as the other guy. That guy who still waits for his time to exhale, holding on to a hopeless relationship, expressing some grief yet would not accept the demise. And not until I have muster enough self-love on my heart, not until I let the stale air free from my lungs, not until I breathe fresh air anew, I am getting myself bounded to be that other guy.

Forever Blue

It was never my intention to enter your life. I mean, I had too much going on with mine; I could barely make ends meet. But then again, I did. Unexpectedly, I did. And now, I just could not let you go.

I tried to shun you out and forget that I actually cared about you. But that was just plain bullshit. All I ever wanted was for you to do the same for me. But it will never happen.

I tried to gave way and let someone else make you feel special. But it scares the crap out of me because I know that once I let you go completely, I will never have you back.

I tried to think that maybe it was my fate to never have you in my arms. But your hand felt just right – just like how I used to feel before with her.

And it was my entire fucking fault. I know I was being too permissive and I get attached to people hastily. I shouldn’t have let my guards go down. I should have set a barrier or a gap between us. But I never did. And so I am suffering the consequences right now.

I will eventually tell you about all of these nothings – how I can’t sleep at night cause all I ever wanted was to sleep right next to you; how happy I am whenever that phone blinks and your name appears on it; how cool it was to see you in my dreams. But it will not happen soon. Perhaps, it will never ever happen.

Until I have the guts to fight for you, then I will forever wait in vain and be blue.

UP - IS Stories

Busy ako!

After yet another observation, I talked to Mars about how I felt about our subject and the students. She looked a little worried about how she would handle her class. And I remembered how we were in our EDSC 121 class.

I was the assigned brat for the day. Mars’ demo was about elementary algebra and as a part of her demo; she called me to recite on her class. Being the brat that I am, I told her “Busy ako!” and she felt dumbfounded. I caught her off guard and I thought I was being so mean.So I said sorry afterwards. But I made an impact on our classmates so I became the designated brat for the rest of our demo class. I got this reputation that I am mean, in a good way though.

As we were laughing while recalling our 121 demos, Mars jokingly told me how dreadful I was in her demo that if all of her students would be like me, she would give up hastily. Then she turned serious and looked me straight in the eye and told me, “May something sa’yo na di maipaliwanag. Pag nagturo ka dito, parang may magic! Swear.” She got me there. I was caught dumbfounded.

Walk out!

I am trying to be as patient as I could since it is almost dismissal time. Some are done with the activity so they began walking here and there. I didn’t pay much attention to them since I was trying to teach some of the students how to correctly graph a parabola. But the noise was beginning to take its toll on me.So I stood toweringly on the pavement so that I could reassert my authority once more inside the class. I could sense some of my students felt my insurgency though. They began hushing their shrilling classmates on the side of the door. But those students would not listen as they were playing with a cockroach.

Though I am afraid of the roach, I walked towards the group, then kicked the cockroach outside the room and stared at the students irritably. I almost lost it then.So before I would say something, I erased the writings on the board hurriedly then walked out of the room.

Minutes after, the students were outside the department. They were saying sorry to me. Good thing I kept my coo ldown and just told them to never do it again.

Outsider

Ever since I have been a student teacher in the UPIS, I’ve been extremely cautious about my personal stuffs. Being an outsider, all they knew about me was my first name, not even my full name. I never gave out my full name since I know they will add me up on social networking sites. Besides, I don’t want to them to see how I am as a student. I know I am not the perfect role model for them so might as well not share my life fully. But one funny incident happened int he university.

While my buddy and I were preparing for our buddy performance, we rushed to the SC to buy some sticker tattoos and inflatable balloons. While waiting for our turn at the cashier, I started inflating the balloons to save some time. After doing so, I handed over the pink balloon to my buddy. And to my surprise, I saw one of my students looking at me while I was handing the pink balloon. She started giggling and I knew right there what she was thinking. And I smiled back at her, shaking my head as if saying you are so wrong. The next morning, I smiled once more at her inside the class as if nothing ever happened.

Indifferent

I just finished my discussion on radicals and exponents. I was just glad that my students enjoyed the activity I prepared and they looked like they learned the topic well. I said goodbye to my class and I was busy erasing the writings on the board when one student whom I thought was indifferent, told me stridently, “Sir, apply na lang kayo dito sa UPIS pagka-graduate nyo. Best ST na kayo, Sir.” And his classmates were so shocked that they all stared at me and waited for my answer. All I ever said was “Thank you, mag-lunch na kayo.” But this was definitely one of my best moments in UPIS, ever.

Love Stories

Love Stories. We all had or will have at least one. Each one is unique, each having its own twist and turns. Some are blessed they have plenty of these wonderful tales. Some others are not as fortunate.

But we all can relate to a love story no matter what the narrative is. That’s because we all have a faithful heart, hoping that it will eventually throb for the person destined to us.

And like how beautiful sunsets need cloudy skies, oftentimes love stories don’t start with bliss.But it will never, ever end in melancholy.

"Nothing Ever Hurt Like You"

Why am I even hurting myself more?
Lurking over your photos, your tweets and your conversations.

I wish I could finally say I am happy for you.
But I am not.
And I will never be.
‘Cause I still think I deserve you more.

Chances, I asked more than once.
And just when I thought you’ll give me one,
You dashed my hope in a glance.

So I guess it will stay this way forever.
I will still get hurt just by looking over your pictures.

And until I gave up that one last chance,
Nothing will ever hurt like you.

"Before You Walk Out of My Life"

You found me under that faint, blue light
Ruined, damaged and broken.
Pulled me out of that hollow mess,
You brought me back to my aching nest.

From there, I thought we were into something.
You made my summer nights interesting.
And I built my world around you,
Only to find out the universe conspires against me.

You made me believe a lie,
That I am the only one you brought inside.
And there he was, sitting in my throne.
He picked you up and your love, already honed.

Before you walk out of my life,
Throw me back in to the dirt I once belonged.
There someone would stare at my loneliness,
And I’ll never be alone anymore.