And So It Goes

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So everything just went back to normal. Things are settled and so are my emotions. I’ve been the least apologetic person in the world but I said sorry. It sucks to know that I’ve made a mistake and screw up and I must take full responsibility for my actions. But at the end of the day, things happen and you just have to cope up.

I once hated March. I am still not very fond of the month but I don’t hate that much. “It” happened in March and the “It” word constitutes every awful event that happened to me in the recent years. An election loss, graduation that’s yet to happen, shocking news of dismissal, break-up and family gatherings (which always puts me in a miserable position). Yeah, my Lady Luck somehow managed to schedule her vacation during this month for the past two years. And I was left there bewildered, paralyzed and depressed. But then again, you move on and forge ahead.

I told someone once that I may go somewhere and make a great escape. It happened. But not for long since escaping from your problems doesn’t get you to anywhere. I once thought I could live another life and forget about my past. But then you’ll realize how many people suffers much more than you do, how many people actually have been there for you, supporting and caring for you, how many people managed to bounce back and got successful in their life.

I am thankful that I am actually facing these adversities this early in my life. I learn what others may experience in their 40’s where they may get depressed and succumb to failure then die. I learned things the harder way and it made me much stronger; much stronger than the boy who first walked the streets of Diliman. I learned a lot throughout these trying times and I am taking note of everyone who had/has been there for me every step of the way.

And so it goes. I may not be able to get what I want now, but I will sure catch up. God knows I am trying.

First Honor

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I am waiting for my turn to walk that long, blue carpet. I experienced it once and it felt so damn great. And to enter last again, wow, I couldn’t be any prouder. Felt like I was in the top of the world, invincible, powerful. No one could dare touch me. Except perhaps for my mom, who’s standing beside me, trying to fix my hair and adjusting my oversized white toga.

And I did felt like on the top of the world. Already in my life, I gave two inspiring speeches, one edited by my Lola who thought I was my uncle’s replica (we do look alike though) and the other, I did with what I really felt which means bashing those who tried to put me down and never believed in me. I almost said “Die, you suckers!” instead of “Thank you for not always believing in me, thus, I proved you wrong.” Yeah, it feels so good whenever you’re on top, as if you can rule the world, as if your words are more authoritative than your comrades, as if everyone looks up to you and tell you that your parents must have been so proud to have you.

And that is exactly what I felt entering the streets of Diliman. Yeah, I can do this; I can do better than some of these people. I can even graduate with honors and well, get a great job, earn some then indulge on the marvels of the world. It’s easier said than done; so much easier said than done.

Last night, I had a fight with my parents. (Hate you Jack Black.) A major fight I wished never happened. But it happened. And I was made to hear what I’ve been avoiding for the two years. I was made to realize how messed up I am now, how my life turned into a black hole of negativity and failures. From gold, I turned into garbage, easily disposable, worthless and powerless. And I just cried and cried harder and cried until I can no longer grasp reality. I grabbed some blade and voila, marked my wrists. But I couldn’t do it really, I am such a failure. I should have been a dead man walking. Like those I see in silent, abandoned places.

And what hurts more is that I felt like my mom could have said more. That I haven’t heard enough from them, how disappointed they were in me, how they thought I could be great and instead became terrible, how frustrated they were in me that I used to be a sweet, fine boy who gave honor to our family, and how they would have wished they weren’t my parents. It hurts like hell to hear those words coming from their mouths.

Perhaps, they weren’t so proud of me after all. Aside from all those petty achievements I gave them, I am truly nothing to them, more so a baggage they could have gotten rid way before. I am and will be worthless without a diploma. And it will stay this way until I get that fucking college diploma.

I used to feel I am at the top of the world, looking over my surrogates, feeling significant and dominant. I used to be there until five years later, God gave me some barricades to hurdle. And it’s not easy to be at the trough of the wave. At the back of my mind, I somehow wished I could have died right after high school graduation when everything was perfect and wonderful. And God knows how I am suffering now. But that’s life when you’re not the first honor anymore.

P.S. To those who once told me they’ll be there for me when I need them, those who said they care for me and love me no matter what, I am in dire need of help and love and care. Pray for my soul and my enlightenment.

Life After You

Yeah, I messed up your life. I probably, somehow, jeopardize your chances last election. I may have caused you sleepless nights for quite some time. Selfish me, I did horrible stuffs I shouldn’t have done. I am sorry though. I am so done with all the drama. I am so fed up with people talking behind my back. I am just sorry.

I missed us, too. How you absorb my furious angst against everyone. How you would calm me down after all the disappointments. How you were there for me when I thought I was hopeless. You were forgiving, caring and understanding. You were there for me whenever I needed you. Yeah, you were awesome. I thought we were made for each other. But then again, it never happened.

It’s been nine months (I lurked at your blog to check for some details) and every one moved on. You have your man, which I think makes you feel loved. I sure hope he makes you happy, still. Aside from occasional flirting with some friends, I haven’t had someone though. But I am great, I am totally fine.

Handing you your notebook is the closest we could get, for now. That moment, I felt nothing. Not a bit of hatred and anger. And that could launch our bid to rebuild our friendship we once had. You can still be a part of my life. But you cannot mess with me now, the same way I can’t mess with yours. Truly, time heals all wounds and this has been my life after you. My battle scars all peeled off and I am as unscathed as new.

Summer

Sana summer na lang ulit.
Para kaklase ulit kita.
Para makita ulit kita araw-araw.

Iba naman na sitwasyon ko ngayon.
Di tulad dati, pwede na tayo siguro.

Nakakatuwa lang.
Kung kailan di na tayo naging magkaklase,
ngayon tayo nag usap.
E dati sa magkabilang dulo pa tayo nakaupo.

Tapos, nung enrollment, nagkita ulit tayo.
Baka dun ko naisip, sana, ikaw na lang yung katabi ko.

Tinanong mo ko kung kamusta na ko.
Sabi ko ok naman na ko.
Nalaman mo kung anong nangyari samin,
sabi mo bigla,
"Goodluck naman sa Valentine's day!"

Salamat sa goodluck.
Pero mas masaya sana kung goodluck sating dalawa di ba?
Haha! Nilalandi lang naman kita.
Pero malay mo, tayo pala talaga.

Sana summer na lang ulit.
Sabi natin noon, magkaklase tayo ulit kay Sir,
sa ibang subject naman.

Sana summer na lang ulit.
Ngayon, ikaw na kausap ko,
ikaw na katabi ko.
Para naman sumaya na summer ko,
pati na rin puso ko.
Corny much!

Sana ngayong summer, SANA.

Troika III (Finale)

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Third Party

You had a problem with your best friend recently. I was there to help you.

You talked about how hard it was for you to lose a friend. I listened to your sorrows.

You said you felt like you were abandoned and things just fell out of order. I saw your struggles.

You asked me to stay faithful as a friend. I did as I promised, though I thought I was rational.

You thought we were good friends. I thought we were close friends.

They knew all of these stuffs. They asked who your best friend is.

You uttered a name, your best friend’s name. Not mine. And I thought, damn, get over it!

I felt bad and betrayed. You never said a thing.

I am just a third party trying to enter an exclusive relationship. You never realized though.

I am just a guest to your sortie. You invited me still.

I told you to get over it. You said the same to me.

I was speechless. You were right.

They knew all of these stuffs. But they know nothing really.

I am going to find me another. You said nothing. I said nothing. Done.

Troika II

-->PART II (The Boy Who Cried Foul)
I wanted to throw a hard punch straight in to your face when I heard you talk shit. And I was right there when you said a word that made my temper blow up. You were teasing me in the wrong moment and damn, I was so pissed off. Good thing I collected my thoughts and remember what my mom told me about throwing tantrums in public. You were a lucky bitch then. I told you to read my blog and see my wrath.

Three weeks later, and a blog terrorizing your whole existence in earth did not materialize. Why? I don’t really know. Maybe, the whole “threatening” thing was just a spur of the moment, an empty threat hoping to send you a warning that I am not comfortable on the idea of you making a big joke of my dire emotions. And I guess you got my point then since you stop talking shit into my face.

Or maybe, I just got tired of dealing with such emotions that I just don’t care. Really, I’ve had enough baggage in my life and to carry another (and you’re not as light as you think you are) is just too much. Too many enemies for me; too many bridges burned; too much negativity in my life.

And maybe, I just understood your point - that I am taking this thing too seriously that a mere mention of a name makes me furious. Maybe you thought, it’s ok to talk trash to the resident trash-talker in Aguman.

Dude, you are just too lucky you never have to experience the things I have gone through. My life really is not really an open book, and you may not really know who I truly am. But at the end of the day, one learns his lessons and every bit of anger is forgotten. Hence, you are forgiven.

Troika

If it happens once, it may never happen again.

If it happens twice, it will happen a third time.

I have always believed that in life, everything comes in pairs - sun and moon, spoon and fork, gun and bullet, boy and girl, black and white. Opposite or not, there will always be “that” one thing which perfectly fits the other, the one who’ll perfectly complement the existence of another. Everything in pairs and that’s the scheme. But then again, is it really the case? I found myself contemplating on such idea. Until finally, like Archimedes, I reached my Eureka moment - Life is not about pairs and partners and duos, moreover, it comes in threes or trios.

For in the sun and moon, there are stars that never dared to rest a single jiffy in giving off light, though mostly unappreciated, and greatly ignored.

For in the spoon and fork, there is a knife that’ll cut the woes in dealing with chunks of meat, lending its sharp blade, and making up for the bluntness of the more likely pair.

For in a gun and a bullet, there is a trigger that’ll exert every inch of effort it has just for a innocent bullet generate a force destructive to anyone who heads in its way.

For in black and white, a gray exists to compensate for what the pair cannot classify, to define the ambiguity of an area, to offer a neutral haven for those who could not make up their mind.

For in a boy and a girl, there is that one person who’ll have to deal with a temporary pain until s/he is finally given his turn for the needed attention and much wanted love.

And the situation gets vague and the complexity worsens. For in the natural order of things, everything leads to entropy and chaos is an organized clutter.

PART I (Win Some, Lose Some)

I had always been extremely competitive ever since. I am in constant pursuit to better than myself and others. I hate losing, especially sucking up and disappointing myself by delivering a lackluster performance when it matters most. I take losing so seriously that it came to a point that I developed a fear of failing. Then, I would cry, blame myself and feel sorry for my tainted, belittled ego. And the self-pity would last for days until I would found a way to redeem myself and boost my confidence once more. And for someone who regards ego so much, having my confidence back is rather orgasmic.

Well, everything changes as wisdom and perspective progresses through time. Though I am still that overly egoistic boy, my perception of losing has changed - big time. Before, failure was a ghost I cease to recognize. Now, I see failure as a nasty vegetable you may need to eat to somehow suffice the nutrient you lacked that lead you to your letdown. Failure is a detour, not a dead-end. And we have to deal with it every once in a while.

Like how I managed to deal with my three game losing streak in university-wide contests. Last semester, I had a three game winning (not really winning, since they are all second places) streak and earned some extra breads. Now, three losses and more money spent for a chance to earn anew. You see, life is in really in threes, even my winning and losing streaks tell so!

Anyhow, I guess, this is not really my month or my year, perhaps. But I have no choice but deal with the cards life gives me, right?

co (http://www.lasisblog.com)