The Best View

February 14, 2021. 12 MN and we’re about to say goodnight. Earlier, you talked about how old cities fascinate you so I toured you around Angeles City and told you about its history. We watched a documentary to cap the night but your tummy had other things in mind. 

“Gutom ako.” you said and my brain turns alight. I calmly said, “May cake sa ref.” but my heart is already on overdrive.  You jumped out of bed, opened the box, gasped and smiled in delight.

I asked you once more, I just want to be sure you read the note right. I looked at you with certainty, like how my sun sign loved things that are defined.

Crazy how you responded without any expression nor smile. “Alam mo naman ba pinapasok mo?” you replied. Normally, I would’ve dialed back, backed out and be shy. But this is not like the last time; I had to lay all my cards as my heart is on the line. 

But before I could begin, you said yes in no time. You kissed me on the cheek and fit your hand on to mine.

Last Valentines, I had my heart broken again for the nth time. This year, it was different. This time, I have you. Even with the scenic Arayat on our nest and the skies unusually blue, I’d still focus on you, my favorite view.

Digesting a Heartbreak

Grief

 

“Ayaw mo na ba talaga?”, I asked as I tightened my grip to your hand. I knew it has been decided but I was not ready for it. I pushed my face down to your pillow as I surrendered to the inevitable. The words were not said but the message echoed.

And the wall, the wall that held me up just collapsed. Moment by moment, salty drops fell. I could have just walked away and left but your hug made me a little hopeful, that familiar hug that made my nights comfortable. Because no matter how many times I said no to you that night, your hugs were unbroken,

I must have wiped my eyes so much that they were red and swollen. And when I finally got my bearing, I stood up and asked you for the very last time –

“Sigurado ka na ba?”, pleading, for you to change your mind.

“Seeing you standing up there, leaving made me realize that it’s hard for me to let you go. Because I loved you”, at last, you uttered.

With the force of a person vomiting on all fours, we began to cry while pressing our cheeks to each other’s’ shoulders. Like a child, my chin trembled as I begged for another chance and a third or a fourth of whatever you can offer.

“It’s not working”, you said.

“I’ll make it work.”, I countered.

“Give me a few days to think about it.”

“You’re not gonna hear anything from me until you’re decided.”

And by half past two, with guilt and self–pity, a gentle kiss was how we finally parted.

Denial

That night I knew it had been decided. But I was in denial.

When you have invested so much on to something, you just can’t take no for an answer.

When you’re all convinced that the universe conspired to make your relationship work, you just don’t give up.

You tried really hard to make things work that you cling to what you thought was love. 

You hold on to the idea, that one day, he’ll wake up and decided that he’ll give the same effort to make things work.  You tried everything, even sacrificing your ideals and principles just to keep him, even when he’s not yours in the first place. You resisted the fact that he can never love you back the way you wanted him to.

Acceptance

A week has passed and you have yet to be decided. But I already made mine. I don’t want to compromise anymore, I don’t want to adjust because I deserve better. You have to love me for what I can and cannot do, with what I can only offer, with what’s only right and true.

Because if this was right, it would have lasted, it would have stayed, it would have been mine. If it’s right, both hearts should have moved, not just mine.

I accepted the fact that what’s not meant for me will pass by no matter how hard we try to keep them, that what’s meant for me will eventually find me, no ifs and buts, no bargain nor plea.

Moving On

To you, I wish life will treat you better. You’re a good person; you deserve all the happiness in the world. I hope you’ll eventually find what you’ve been looking for.

It was a good run but it’s sad that it had to end this way. I will miss making you eat chicken breast because “feeding you makes the taste less miserable”. I will miss holding your hand whenever I don’t feel safe. I will miss taking you home after a failed food trip. I will miss cleaning your room, fixing your things habang nasa CR ka, taking you out in the middle of the night to get ice cream (kinilig ako nung sinabi mong i got us, Double Dutch and Rocky Road). I will miss those CR and good morning selfies.

If I had ever forced you to change who you are, know that I was just trying to help you. You’ll grow and mature in your own time. Go set your own pace and build your own dreams.  

I’m keeping my promise that you’re not gonna hear anything from me.  Allow me to grieve because I needed to set myself free. I deserve all the happiness in the world as well even though it’s not going to be you and me. I’ll be fine, I decided to let things be. 

Eternal Bliss

It was such an intimate party that he had thrown last April. He made an effort to organize everything despite his hospital duties. He looked genuinely happy that night, talking to his friends at the dinner table. And somehow that made me happy.

I haven’t seen that smile in a long while, that quaint and disarming smile that got me on our first date. He knew I don’t have a lot of friends that I wanted to see. I had issues. He realized because he was the one who comforted me on that fateful night. For six months, he was a constant. He helped me to recover and eventually I got better.

That night, everyone around was extremely supportive, I can see. Before me, they were his constants. I felt the love they have for him, even when at times I have been kept a secret. This night would’ve been perfect, only the party wasn’t mine.

The smile I saw today on the picture was far from the cracked voice and dreary eyes that greeted me on my birthday. Six months ago, he was sorry. On when was supposed to be my happiest, I was distressed. He didn’t say a thing, but I knew he already made a choice. On that day, I also made mine.

Six months ago, he made a choice. He chose his happiness, his eternal bliss.

There are a lot of things that I miss but now, I’m closing all the doors and throwing out the keys.

To my Grandma who I’ve only met once

Most of my friends grew up with grandparents on their side. They would wait outside the school for their Lolas or Lolos to pick them up. They would go to church on Sundays with their grannies on their side. They have those stories they can share, they have those memories they can remember. That I don’t have.

My Lolo from our mother’s side died before I was born. My mom said I have his intellect. He could have been proud of me for being the only apo who attended college in UP. He could have been proud of your achievements in school, says my mom.

My grandparents on my dad’s side were living in Zambales and we rarely go there. Our Lolo died when I was young, we were never really close but his death was the first death I’ve experienced in the family. Seeing my father cried broke the tough kid I have inside. It was hard. And had it been my way, I don’t want it to ever happen again.

I have two living grandmothers left. One’s about 4-hour drive from home. I saw her less than a year ago. The other’s on the other side of the world, about thirteen time zones away from us. And as long as I can remember, I have only met her once.

1995. I was 6 then. My parents hurriedly woke us up because we’re going on a trip. But I have school, I resented.  Mama told us she already took care of that. So we went to Manila to meet our Lola and Uncle Medy and Aunt Cecile and our cousins. When I first saw them, I didn’t feel anything. What would you expect a 6-year old boy, who was deprived of sleep, feel. Besides, I barely knew them.

Aside from those occasional calls, Balikbayan boxes, Christmas and greeting cards, I hardly knew Lola. She was in the States even before I was born. I have seen her pictures though and she looked like Mama. I have heard her voice and she sounded just like Mama. She would talk to me in Ilocano and I would pass the phone to my mom for translations. And she has always loved sending us letters.

I have read her letters and they were beautifully written. Mama told us she excelled in English when she was studying. My Lola was the class salutatorian and who else is the valedictorian but my Lolo. Great genes, if you ask me. And I only got to know her in a short time she was in the Philippines.

Almost two decades passed by and she never came back. There were plans – us migrating to the States, them going back to the country but those plans didn’t materialized. But still, we have always tried to be in touched with her. Try is the only thing we could because we knew it will never be enough.

I regret growing up not seeing her around. I regret not taking care of her especially when she was tired or ill. I regret not having her around during birthdays and graduations. I regret not having to spend Christmas and New Year with her, how small our family looks like during mini-reunions. I don’t have that Lola who’ll tell us our family’s history beyond what our parents’ memory could hold. We don’t have that Lola who’ll tell us how silly my mom was when she was growing up. But she provided for us and she sent us to school so who am I to fret. And I’ll be forever thankful for what she did for us.

Last night, I had two Lola’s present. Today, I was left with one.

I love you, Lola! I hope I made you proud.  

To the guy who can’t get over the fact that Pampanga’s Best is made in Pampanga

 

I woke up one day and saw this meaningful exchange of messages on my FB.

K: Intayin mo lang si G.

D: Lam nya na yun. Nararamdaman nya na pinag uusapan ko sya.

K: Wait pano mo ngagawa yun? Pinaguusapan mo si G all by yourself?

D: Dito. Sa chat.

K: Paki check nga tagalog mo. Haha.

D: Tama. Diba?

K: Tanong mo sa bato.

D: Di sumasagot eh.

G: <*facepalm*>

I died - right there. I don’t even wanna go to the judger and juggernaut thing. Or the, never mind. How can I even call these people friends? And this guy, really?

I remember the first time we saw you walk in the office. You look like that guy from that 90s OPM band but with more hair and a weirder smile. We tricked you into answering some interesting questions as a part of your “initiation”. I really thought you’re going to punch somebody in the face when someone played a joke on you. I was partially right. Probably, you were just warming up.

Days passed and you were nothing but a wallflower in the middle of a wild crowd. You were just a mere observer, watching how the team works, learning how the dynamics operate. You have this feel that you don’t give a sh*t about anyone or anything in the room. There’s certain angst in you that no one dared to conquer. Not until lunch breaks happened.

Those lunch breaks were the most exciting part of our day. We practically talked about anything and everything about life. I have been your guide, teaching you about the tricks of the trade, imparting my so-called “knowledge” on surviving our office life. In return, you let us see a glimpse of your world. You let your guard down and we saw how “mean” you can become. (Di ako ang pinakamasama satin.)

I will never forget that day when our Queen’s on leave and someone else asked us out for lunch. Instead of listening to that girl’s incredulous stories, we were busy chatting, talking about something else, and trying to hide our grins when someone says something funny. And from then on, we were three.

Those “Biglaang” lakads and “Putok Batok” food trips, that Tagaytay field trip and the succeeding Tagaytay trips with the team; I saw some facets that made me reexamine my perception of you.

You have a knack of organizing things that I envy. I wish I could recall where is something located where and how your clothes are neatly arranged and folded inside your bag. (Malayong malayo nung emo ka pa.)

You are my music brother though your music IQ is probably higher than most people I know. You have a very sophisticated taste in music that I wish I have your playlists. You know Gin Blossoms and The Verve more than I do. You know more Third Eye Blind songs than I do. Your U2 and Dave Matthews Band knowledge is beyond my range. But I still hate you for ruining Sugar Ray’s “Answer the Phone” for me. (Hindi siya bastos!)

Though you are not the fastest driver on the road, you always made sure that our Queen still gets her sleep at the back of your car. We already ran out of stories to tell but the Queen, oh the Queen, is still there- slumbering soundly on her pajamas.

Not a lot of people know you can draw. My stick figures are no match to your amusing sketches. You are creative and artistic. And you’re using your hand to good use, amigo (if you know what I mean). I wish people could get to know you more and see how awesome you really are.

It sucks though that at one point, you just shunned us out of your world and you chose to go and live by on your own. And as your friends, we understand. We always understand. But you came back. And that’s what’s important. And as the only unattached person in our group, I will keep you both “normal” and “sane”.

It would have been better if you had been transferred back but there are some things we can’t control. And we can work with that. For now, allow me to say “Welcome back, Halcon! Namiss mo kami! See you around.

PS: Yung assignment natin. Alam mo na. Ikaw na bahala dyan.

someday, sAme day

 

Last night, lost knight, a cloud’s above my head,

Though I can’t remember words you might have said.

Like feeble seeds beginning to ripen,

You acted as if nothing ever happened.

Last night, lost knight, a cloud’s above my head,

You were standing at the side of my bed,

Holding my hand like a kid on the mall,

Isn’t it yesterday you made me feel small?

Last night, lost knight, a cloud’s above my head,

I assumed you just wanted me dead,

But your lips tasted twilight,

And no one’s putting up a fight.

Last night, lost knight, a cloud’s above my head,

I hope our heart’s already mend,

Because someday, sAme day, I may want you back,

When every rule’s not all white and black,

When qualm and doubts got no face,

When silly judgment can never be traced.

image co (https://hopeforallmin.wordpress.com/tag/fantasy/)