Kwentong Kalye

Alibi

2012-01-06T13:12:00.000-08:00

Impulsive

(adj) - arising from a sudden
spontaneous inclination or
incitement to some usually
unpremeditated action.

Commitment

(noun) - an agreement or
pledge to do something
in the future.

Random

(noun) - without definite
aim,
direction,
rule, or
method.

Love

(noun) - strong affection for
another arising out of
kinship or personal ties,
attraction based on
sexual desire.

Insecure

(adj) - not confident or
sure,
deficient in assurance,
beset by fear and anxiety.

Futile

(adj) - serving
no useful purpose ,
completely ineffective.

Corrupt

(verb) - to change
from good to bad
in morals,
manners, or actions.

Lesson

(noun) - something
learned by
study or experience,
an instructive example.

Lust

(noun) - an intense longing,
craving,
personal inclination,
desire.

Puppet

(noun) - one
whose acts are
controlled by an
outside force or
influence.

Choice

(adj) - worthy of
being chosen,
selected
with care.

Despair

(verb) - to lose
all hope or
confidence,
hopelessness.

Lonely

(adj) - being
without company,
producing a
feeling of
bleakness or
desolation.

Regret

(verb) - to be
very sorry
for

Sorry.
I just can't.
I may never be.
And I won't ever be.

Synesthesia

2011-12-17T09:14:00.000-08:00

Within the bounds of my realms, there will never be that faint, thin line of peculiarity. Everything would be just right. No one could hurt you. No one could do you harm. For as long as you are inside of my empire, you will never, ever cry.

Save your smile,
Everything fades through time
I'm lost for words.

You may never say what’s on your mind. But the damage had already been done. By the parrots of foreign lands, you’ve been damned. But I am your minder; I welcome you into my arms. So let’s leave our cruel worlds and start to create another one.

You're my star
Invincible, haunting and far

Grace under fire.

The Longest Night

2011-11-30T09:33:00.000-08:00

12:55 AM.

I don’t know what to do. I just sensed frustration on your face. Something’s bothering you. I dared not to ask as you barge outside our door and fled. To where, I had no idea. All I know is that I need to follow you. Yet I have to watch for this one. He could be stupid at times and I am not taking chances of him doing what he did last time. But I followed you still.

1:00 AM.

I am all alone, dumbfounded of what’s happening. I’ve been here standing here outside for a couple of minutes. I called you up – fucking no answer. You told me you’re on your way home. So I waited and waited and waited for you some more.

For the first time in my life, I felt I was truly, really alone. No one I could count on, no one who could help me, no one whom I could share my misery. I almost cried. But I need to fight this chink in my own armor. Think.

But I could no longer see her. I had a vision of her a few blocks away. But now she’s gone out of my sight. Fuck. I don’t know what to do. And I panicked.

1:03 AM.

And you didn’t even bother getting out of your bed? I’ve been running as crazy as hell and there you were, pretending to be asleep and not minding about things? And now it’s clear to me that somehow, you don’t love us that much anymore. And that moment, I swear had I not control myself, I would punch you in your face ‘til you bleed.

I am still surprised that you still haven’t moved a single muscle. I guess you could manage yourself. I need leave you here. I’m going to take my chances and look for her. And I could never forgive myself if something happens.

1: 15 AM

Finally, you showed up. I’ve been standing here for minutes and I swear I couldn’t take it anymore. I could barely talk to you. I just hand you the keys and my trek began.

I don’t know where to find her. As if by instinct, I walked and walked and walked. Wherever my foot may lead me I walked. I don’t know where to begin. All I know was I couldn’t stop walking ‘til I find her.

Streets I’ve never paid much attention with, I checked. Places I don’t know existed within our place, I looked for. Buildings I would not imagine myself into, I entered. I am all over the place. I walked still. I haven’t had a vision of her, not ever her shadow. It’s as if she had no intentions of her getting found. But I couldn’t stop.

…until I had to. I am in the middle of this immeasurable haystack and the needle is getting smaller and smaller by the minute.

2:00 AM

I am back to my starting point and I failed miserably. I don’t have her. I am dead-tired and helpless. Good thing, both of you started taking charge. I could no longer do this chase. I cracked. My spirit’s broken, my faith’s ill-stricken.

And so you left once more. I am alone. Again. And with an empty mind and a scathed heart, I chugged and chugged some beer.

Alcohol must have been really that relaxing. After all the run and chase brouhaha, they found her. And I heaved a sigh of relief.

Finally.

This is probably the longest night I have experienced ever in my life. And the night keeps getting longer and darker by the minute. I am still waiting for that promising dawn to come and I’ll be forever hopeful it will come. Fingers crossed.

The Other Guy

2011-11-27T12:41:00.000-08:00

Just because you were in loved first doesn’t give you the right to be possessive. It doesn’t mean that you own every throb of her heart. That every inch of her skin belongs to you and your hand alone. That every neuron of her brain thinks of you and not anyone else. I love her just the same – only I am the other guy.

I must admit I’ve been and is still being the other guy. I am still that third party; that “kept” man; that snake breathing down someone’s neck, that traitor who’ll stab you in your back eventually. I am that guy who illegally takes someone else’s property when it is not in use. But I am no prostitute. I am just in love. Blindly, deeply in love, that is.

This is not an accident. I know what I gotten myself into. I am not an idiot. I can justify my actions though. I am still sane and logical. And I know I am not running over someone here. I can still be that other guy. I am still that other guy.

But that will change. I know it will. And like a blind man in a dark room, I saw it happening clearly. Her gentle hands holding mine, a perfect fit I know fate had designed. I saw her eyes flashed a sign of love and hope that everything will be fine and that happiness is ours forever. And this love story will start with a diminutive step she will take eventually – she’ll crush your heart and leave you scathed.

Or at least I imagined these things to happen.

I saw your eyes pierced through me when you saw me held her hand one fine day. I felt the jealousy right then and there. And instead of throwing her hand out, I played with it more, like how a little baby plays with his first toy. I felt the urge to do some more, so I brushed her hair with my hand as she placed her head on my lap. I felt your frustration. And I am slowly feeding on it. But you just have to walk out. Of course, you would. I incurred you some damage and you’ll then realize I am no mere push-over. I may not mean any harm always, but I don’t play Mr. Nice either.

But no matter how hard I may fight, I may still end up as the other guy. That guy who still waits for his time to exhale, holding on to a hopeless relationship, expressing some grief yet would not accept the demise. And not until I have muster enough self-love on my heart, not until I let the stale air free from my lungs, not until I breathe fresh air anew, I am getting myself bounded to be that other guy.

Forever Blue

2011-11-04T13:23:00.000-07:00

It was never my intention to enter your life. I mean, I had too much going on with mine; I could barely make ends meet. But then again, I did. Unexpectedly, I did. And now, I just could not let you go.

I tried to shun you out and forget that I actually cared about you. But that was just plain bullshit. All I ever wanted was for you to do the same for me. But it will never happen.

I tried to gave way and let someone else make you feel special. But it scares the crap out of me because I know that once I let you go completely, I will never have you back.

I tried to think that maybe it was my fate to never have you in my arms. But your hand felt just right – just like how I used to feel before with her.

And it was my entire fucking fault. I know I was being too permissive and I get attached to people hastily. I shouldn’t have let my guards go down. I should have set a barrier or a gap between us. But I never did. And so I am suffering the consequences right now.

I will eventually tell you about all of these nothings – how I can’t sleep at night cause all I ever wanted was to sleep right next to you; how happy I am whenever that phone blinks and your name appears on it; how cool it was to see you in my dreams. But it will not happen soon. Perhaps, it will never ever happen.

Until I have the guts to fight for you, then I will forever wait in vain and be blue.

UP - IS Stories

2011-10-20T06:21:00.000-07:00

Busy ako!

After yet another observation, I talked to Mars about how I felt about our subject and the students. She looked a little worried about how she would handle her class. And I remembered how we were in our EDSC 121 class.

I was the assigned brat for the day. Mars’ demo was about elementary algebra and as a part of her demo; she called me to recite on her class. Being the brat that I am, I told her “Busy ako!” and she felt dumbfounded. I caught her off guard and I thought I was being so mean.So I said sorry afterwards. But I made an impact on our classmates so I became the designated brat for the rest of our demo class. I got this reputation that I am mean, in a good way though.

As we were laughing while recalling our 121 demos, Mars jokingly told me how dreadful I was in her demo that if all of her students would be like me, she would give up hastily. Then she turned serious and looked me straight in the eye and told me, “May something sa’yo na di maipaliwanag. Pag nagturo ka dito, parang may magic! Swear.” She got me there. I was caught dumbfounded.

Walk out!

I am trying to be as patient as I could since it is almost dismissal time. Some are done with the activity so they began walking here and there. I didn’t pay much attention to them since I was trying to teach some of the students how to correctly graph a parabola. But the noise was beginning to take its toll on me.So I stood toweringly on the pavement so that I could reassert my authority once more inside the class. I could sense some of my students felt my insurgency though. They began hushing their shrilling classmates on the side of the door. But those students would not listen as they were playing with a cockroach.

Though I am afraid of the roach, I walked towards the group, then kicked the cockroach outside the room and stared at the students irritably. I almost lost it then.So before I would say something, I erased the writings on the board hurriedly then walked out of the room.

Minutes after, the students were outside the department. They were saying sorry to me. Good thing I kept my coo ldown and just told them to never do it again.

Outsider

Ever since I have been a student teacher in the UPIS, I’ve been extremely cautious about my personal stuffs. Being an outsider, all they knew about me was my first name, not even my full name. I never gave out my full name since I know they will add me up on social networking sites. Besides, I don’t want to them to see how I am as a student. I know I am not the perfect role model for them so might as well not share my life fully. But one funny incident happened int he university.

While my buddy and I were preparing for our buddy performance, we rushed to the SC to buy some sticker tattoos and inflatable balloons. While waiting for our turn at the cashier, I started inflating the balloons to save some time. After doing so, I handed over the pink balloon to my buddy. And to my surprise, I saw one of my students looking at me while I was handing the pink balloon. She started giggling and I knew right there what she was thinking. And I smiled back at her, shaking my head as if saying you are so wrong. The next morning, I smiled once more at her inside the class as if nothing ever happened.

Indifferent

I just finished my discussion on radicals and exponents. I was just glad that my students enjoyed the activity I prepared and they looked like they learned the topic well. I said goodbye to my class and I was busy erasing the writings on the board when one student whom I thought was indifferent, told me stridently, “Sir, apply na lang kayo dito sa UPIS pagka-graduate nyo. Best ST na kayo, Sir.” And his classmates were so shocked that they all stared at me and waited for my answer. All I ever said was “Thank you, mag-lunch na kayo.” But this was definitely one of my best moments in UPIS, ever.

Love Stories

2011-08-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

Love Stories. We all had or will have at least one. Each one is unique, each having its own twist and turns. Some are blessed they have plenty of these wonderful tales. Some others are not as fortunate.

But we all can relate to a love story no matter what the narrative is. That’s because we all have a faithful heart, hoping that it will eventually throb for the person destined to us.

And like how beautiful sunsets need cloudy skies, oftentimes love stories don’t start with bliss.But it will never, ever end in melancholy.

"Nothing Ever Hurt Like You"

Why am I even hurting myself more?
Lurking over your photos, your tweets and your conversations.

I wish I could finally say I am happy for you.
But I am not.
And I will never be.
‘Cause I still think I deserve you more.

Chances, I asked more than once.
And just when I thought you’ll give me one,
You dashed my hope in a glance.

So I guess it will stay this way forever.
I will still get hurt just by looking over your pictures.

And until I gave up that one last chance,
Nothing will ever hurt like you.

"Before You Walk Out of My Life"

You found me under that faint, blue light
Ruined, damaged and broken.
Pulled me out of that hollow mess,
You brought me back to my aching nest.

From there, I thought we were into something.
You made my summer nights interesting.
And I built my world around you,
Only to find out the universe conspires against me.

You made me believe a lie,
That I am the only one you brought inside.
And there he was, sitting in my throne.
He picked you up and your love, already honed.

Before you walk out of my life,
Throw me back in to the dirt I once belonged.
There someone would stare at my loneliness,
And I’ll never be alone anymore.

That Red Thing

2011-07-09T12:56:00.000-07:00

In a few days time, you’ll start your work, you’ll get busier than ever and you’ll get paid to do something you may not even like. You waited for this. And so it will begin.

Your love-hate relationship with your bum life is not getting any better. Your head throbs by mere thought of expenses you are about to get. Funny how you think of that when all you have now is a thousand peso kept for emergency, there in your wallet for the longest time. Yet your plans are quite “grand” but achievable. And like a parent to his sibling, I am quite supportive.

In a few days time, you’ll get something I may not fully encourage. But this is what you want and this is something more convenient for you. And I do get your point about this. Though I am quite apprehensive, I am letting go of that red thing. The red thing you once associate with someone more important. The red thing I was forced to acquire just to bridge the gap between us. The red thing which I correlate with you since in that world, I have you and only you, satisfying that exclusivity I always wished for. But I am supportive and (something)…

I envy them. You let them enter the world I could only wish for. But you told me not to. So I’ll accept that fact that I should not demand for something deeper and riskier. So as to preserve whatever we’ve been protecting. I would still ask for my shot though. And until the red thing’s still up, I will push for my chance of a lifetime.

Drunken Derivative

2011-06-19T12:31:00.000-07:00

The freezing cold breeze on an arid summer night could not describe my state any better. Frozen, unmoving, stationary and it’s all because I am empty.

And for three numbing nights, I tried to fill that gaping emptiness with beer. Bottle after bottle, I felt the bitterness sinking in. But it will never match to that heaving pain inside.

It was a complete meltdown. I am full of beer. I am drunk. I am empty. And you will never know why I did this.

This may be the shortest post I’ll ever make. But it took me the longest to “complete” it. Contradiction, never fails to amuse me.

“Ang daming taong nakapaligid sa’yo pero parang nag-iisa ka pa rin.”

Drunk or not, I will post another sooner and it will be better. Like how I hope I will feel tomorrow.

Chasing Hearts

2011-06-08T11:21:00.000-07:00

Even the toughest guy would succumb to the faintest heart break. But I am not even tough. And when my heart was broken, it wasn’t faint. I fainted, that’s all. And I thought I would never fall in love again. But it happened to me. And to the other five people I talked to that night. Love fest? I was hopeful. They were too. So the chase started and in that one lonely night, I became five.

The Chaser

I thought it was you. After all the drama and hardships we’ve been through, I was secretly hoping it would be you. But you chose not to see me that way. You never gave me a chance. You thought I am just a friend for keeps. I am but I thought I was special to you. I was willing to do what I was avoiding for the longest time but to no avail, I never stood a chance for your love. I understand. You explained to me that what we have has been so valuable that you would rather not commit the same mistake you did before. Damn that mistake. But I respect you so much that I’d rather not force the issue. And you’re still the best thing that ever happened to me this summer. And I wish I was the same too.

The Chased

You were so nice, so great and so appreciative of what I have. You never looked at me as some random average guy whose talent is rather miniscule. You uplift my dwindling self-esteem. When I thought I was at the rock bottom of an incomprehensible schema, you thought I was the star of your universe. You were there for me even when I thought no one’s behind me. And I wish I could be that one for you too. I wish I could love you like you do to me. I felt the authenticity in your emotions and that overwhelms me. I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want to rush things either. So we have to let things fall in to their places and see where they may lead us.

The “Friendly Friend”

I knew who you are. I so knew you. Even with your eyes covered with that big black slab, I so knew you. I don’t know why but I remembered everything about you and that moment we first met. My mind never fails to impress me. So it stored a memory of someone I don’t really know and perhaps would never really know until that night. So you would be my friend (a very good one at that). I don’t know much about you but I felt like I’ve known you for so long that we shared stories no other friend knows. And it will continue forever. I hope so since you owe me a piece of your life.

The “Ungrateful Friend”

Should I say anything about you? Shut the hell up. Just because I could not reply faster than you are does not mean I couldn’t type properly. I have been very friendly to you. I don’t know why you are acting up. So shut up and go find someone else.

The Indefinable

I was looking for you for the longest time. I was looking for you when I paid my tuition fee. It was here, the same room, the same queue I saw you smiling at me, asking me about my subjects. And right then, I wish we could talk and spend a lot more time together not just flashes of time I could not even fathom. I wish we could visit our teacher’s office together. I wish we could be more than friends. And how I wish you would know I am thinking and writing about you all the time.

The Failed Not-So-Fatal Suicide Attempts of a Fragile Boy

2011-05-19T13:47:00.000-07:00

You showed me the scars you got from all those scalpel cuts you implanted on your wrist. White cuts from white cuts, you managed to forge a smile while explaining how you got each one of them. I had mine but nothing of that kind. (Yeah! We, suicidal boys, rock!) Like a valiant, feisty warrior proud of his battle wounds, you revealed yourself to me in the most uncompromising situation possible. And there goes my two-cents of respect for you, I was hoping I could do the same and smile my worries away like you did that moment.

I felt a strong connection being developed ever since our paths intersected. I felt like I know your struggles, I know the way you handle things; I know how your mind works. We both pursued the same degree on different universities and you failed to graduate on time, exactly what happened to me. Though our looks are poles apart, the commonalities were just overwhelming to say at the very least.

I saw myself in you, a parallelism we could never deny – you were like me but much better.

I am much more controlled than you are. You were more transparent and more care free. Though our looks may mislead judgments, I know I am the more serious one and you’re the laid back counterpart. And I know I am (socially) way cooler than you are.

Our circumstances made me realize why I travelled the route different from yours. You mirrored what exactly I envisioned on the other side on my very decisions. Like the way you explored the unchartered place I avoided all my life. Like how you managed to hold on to that one dream I let slipped away. Like how you managed to keep yourself together and not have gotten berserk.

Ultimately, we fell down, gone depressed, hit rock bottom, and picked up what’s left on our dignity. We managed to suck it up, deal with stress and move on. We may never hold on to that promise we will never attempt suicide once more, but heck yeah, we will make sure we will be there for each other whenever we feel like chopping our wrists with scalpels.

And So It Goes

2011-04-05T10:52:00.000-07:00

So everything just went back to normal. Things are settled and so are my emotions. I’ve been the least apologetic person in the world but I said sorry. It sucks to know that I’ve made a mistake and screw up and I must take full responsibility for my actions. But at the end of the day, things happen and you just have to cope up.

I once hated March. I am still not very fond of the month but I don’t hate that much. “It” happened in March and the “It” word constitutes every awful event that happened to me in the recent years. An election loss, graduation that’s yet to happen, shocking news of dismissal, break-up and family gatherings (which always puts me in a miserable position). Yeah, my Lady Luck somehow managed to schedule her vacation during this month for the past two years. And I was left there bewildered, paralyzed and depressed. But then again, you move on and forge ahead.

I told someone once that I may go somewhere and make a great escape. It happened. But not for long since escaping from your problems doesn’t get you to anywhere. I once thought I could live another life and forget about my past. But then you’ll realize how many people suffers much more than you do, how many people actually have been there for you, supporting and caring for you, how many people managed to bounce back and got successful in their life.

I am thankful that I am actually facing these adversities this early in my life. I learn what others may experience in their 40’s where they may get depressed and succumb to failure then die. I learned things the harder way and it made me much stronger; much stronger than the boy who first walked the streets of Diliman. I learned a lot throughout these trying times and I am taking note of everyone who had/has been there for me every step of the way.

And so it goes. I may not be able to get what I want now, but I will sure catch up. God knows I am trying.

First Honor

2011-04-03T10:34:00.000-07:00

I am waiting for my turn to walk that long, blue carpet. I experienced it once and it felt so damn great. And to enter last again, wow, I couldn’t be any prouder. Felt like I was in the top of the world, invincible, powerful. No one could dare touch me. Except perhaps for my mom, who’s standing beside me, trying to fix my hair and adjusting my oversized white toga.

And I did felt like on the top of the world. Already in my life, I gave two inspiring speeches, one edited by my Lola who thought I was my uncle’s replica (we do look alike though) and the other, I did with what I really felt which means bashing those who tried to put me down and never believed in me. I almost said “Die, you suckers!” instead of “Thank you for not always believing in me, thus, I proved you wrong.” Yeah, it feels so good whenever you’re on top, as if you can rule the world, as if your words are more authoritative than your comrades, as if everyone looks up to you and tell you that your parents must have been so proud to have you.

And that is exactly what I felt entering the streets of Diliman. Yeah, I can do this; I can do better than some of these people. I can even graduate with honors and well, get a great job, earn some then indulge on the marvels of the world. It’s easier said than done; so much easier said than done.

Last night, I had a fight with my parents. (Hate you Jack Black.) A major fight I wished never happened. But it happened. And I was made to hear what I’ve been avoiding for the two years. I was made to realize how messed up I am now, how my life turned into a black hole of negativity and failures. From gold, I turned into garbage, easily disposable, worthless and powerless. And I just cried and cried harder and cried until I can no longer grasp reality. I grabbed some blade and voila, marked my wrists. But I couldn’t do it really, I am such a failure. I should have been a dead man walking. Like those I see in silent, abandoned places.

And what hurts more is that I felt like my mom could have said more. That I haven’t heard enough from them, how disappointed they were in me, how they thought I could be great and instead became terrible, how frustrated they were in me that I used to be a sweet, fine boy who gave honor to our family, and how they would have wished they weren’t my parents. It hurts like hell to hear those words coming from their mouths.

Perhaps, they weren’t so proud of me after all. Aside from all those petty achievements I gave them, I am truly nothing to them, more so a baggage they could have gotten rid way before. I am and will be worthless without a diploma. And it will stay this way until I get that fucking college diploma.

I used to feel I am at the top of the world, looking over my surrogates, feeling significant and dominant. I used to be there until five years later, God gave me some barricades to hurdle. And it’s not easy to be at the trough of the wave. At the back of my mind, I somehow wished I could have died right after high school graduation when everything was perfect and wonderful. And God knows how I am suffering now. But that’s life when you’re not the first honor anymore.

P.S. To those who once told me they’ll be there for me when I need them, those who said they care for me and love me no matter what, I am in dire need of help and love and care. Pray for my soul and my enlightenment.

Life After You

2011-03-25T11:10:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I messed up your life. I probably, somehow, jeopardize your chances last election. I may have caused you sleepless nights for quite some time. Selfish me, I did horrible stuffs I shouldn’t have done. I am sorry though. I am so done with all the drama. I am so fed up with people talking behind my back. I am just sorry.

I missed us, too. How you absorb my furious angst against everyone. How you would calm me down after all the disappointments. How you were there for me when I thought I was hopeless. You were forgiving, caring and understanding. You were there for me whenever I needed you. Yeah, you were awesome. I thought we were made for each other. But then again, it never happened.

It’s been nine months (I lurked at your blog to check for some details) and every one moved on. You have your man, which I think makes you feel loved. I sure hope he makes you happy, still. Aside from occasional flirting with some friends, I haven’t had someone though. But I am great, I am totally fine.

Handing you your notebook is the closest we could get, for now. That moment, I felt nothing. Not a bit of hatred and anger. And that could launch our bid to rebuild our friendship we once had. You can still be a part of my life. But you cannot mess with me now, the same way I can’t mess with yours. Truly, time heals all wounds and this has been my life after you. My battle scars all peeled off and I am as unscathed as new.

Summer

2011-02-11T08:33:00.001-08:00

Sana summer na lang ulit.
Para kaklase ulit kita.
Para makita ulit kita araw-araw.

Iba naman na sitwasyon ko ngayon.
Di tulad dati, pwede na tayo siguro.

Nakakatuwa lang.
Kung kailan di na tayo naging magkaklase,
ngayon tayo nag usap.
E dati sa magkabilang dulo pa tayo nakaupo.

Tapos, nung enrollment, nagkita ulit tayo.
Baka dun ko naisip, sana, ikaw na lang yung katabi ko.

Tinanong mo ko kung kamusta na ko.
Sabi ko ok naman na ko.
Nalaman mo kung anong nangyari samin,
sabi mo bigla,
"Goodluck naman sa Valentine's day!"

Salamat sa goodluck.
Pero mas masaya sana kung goodluck sating dalawa di ba?
Haha! Nilalandi lang naman kita.
Pero malay mo, tayo pala talaga.

Sana summer na lang ulit.
Sabi natin noon, magkaklase tayo ulit kay Sir,
sa ibang subject naman.

Sana summer na lang ulit.
Ngayon, ikaw na kausap ko,
ikaw na katabi ko.
Para naman sumaya na summer ko,
pati na rin puso ko.
Corny much!

Sana ngayong summer, SANA.

Troika III (Finale)

2010-12-20T10:56:00.000-08:00

Third Party

You had a problem with your best friend recently. I was there to help you.

You talked about how hard it was for you to lose a friend. I listened to your sorrows.

You said you felt like you were abandoned and things just fell out of order. I saw your struggles.

You asked me to stay faithful as a friend. I did as I promised, though I thought I was rational.

You thought we were good friends. I thought we were close friends.

They knew all of these stuffs. They asked who your best friend is.

You uttered a name, your best friend’s name. Not mine. And I thought, damn, get over it!

I felt bad and betrayed. You never said a thing.

I am just a third party trying to enter an exclusive relationship. You never realized though.

I am just a guest to your sortie. You invited me still.

I told you to get over it. You said the same to me.

I was speechless. You were right.

They knew all of these stuffs. But they know nothing really.

I am going to find me another. You said nothing. I said nothing. Done.

Troika II

2010-12-11T08:20:00.000-08:00

PART II (The Boy Who Cried Foul)

I wanted to throw a hard punch straight in to your face when I heard you talk shit. And I was right there when you said a word that made my temper blow up. You were teasing me in the wrong moment and damn, I was so pissed off. Good thing I collected my thoughts and remember what my mom told me about throwing tantrums in public. You were a lucky bitch then. I told you to read my blog and see my wrath.

Three weeks later, and a blog terrorizing your whole existence in earth did not materialize. Why? I don’t really know. Maybe, the whole “threatening” thing was just a spur of the moment, an empty threat hoping to send you a warning that I am not comfortable on the idea of you making a big joke of my dire emotions. And I guess you got my point then since you stop talking shit into my face.

Or maybe, I just got tired of dealing with such emotions that I just don’t care. Really, I’ve had enough baggage in my life and to carry another (and you’re not as light as you think you are) is just too much. Too many enemies for me; too many bridges burned; too much negativity in my life.

And maybe, I just understood your point - that I am taking this thing too seriously that a mere mention of a name makes me furious. Maybe you thought, it’s ok to talk trash to the resident trash-talker in Aguman.

Dude, you are just too lucky you never have to experience the things I have gone through. My life really is not really an open book, and you may not really know who I truly am. But at the end of the day, one learns his lessons and every bit of anger is forgotten. Hence, you are forgiven.

Troika

2010-12-10T12:50:00.000-08:00

If it happens once, it may never happen again.

If it happens twice, it will happen a third time.

I have always believed that in life, everything comes in pairs - sun and moon, spoon and fork, gun and bullet, boy and girl, black and white. Opposite or not, there will always be “that” one thing which perfectly fits the other, the one who’ll perfectly complement the existence of another. Everything in pairs and that’s the scheme. But then again, is it really the case? I found myself contemplating on such idea. Until finally, like Archimedes, I reached my Eureka moment - Life is not about pairs and partners and duos, moreover, it comes in threes or trios.

For in the sun and moon, there are stars that never dared to rest a single jiffy in giving off light, though mostly unappreciated, and greatly ignored.

For in the spoon and fork, there is a knife that’ll cut the woes in dealing with chunks of meat, lending its sharp blade, and making up for the bluntness of the more likely pair.

For in a gun and a bullet, there is a trigger that’ll exert every inch of effort it has just for a innocent bullet generate a force destructive to anyone who heads in its way.

For in black and white, a gray exists to compensate for what the pair cannot classify, to define the ambiguity of an area, to offer a neutral haven for those who could not make up their mind.

For in a boy and a girl, there is that one person who’ll have to deal with a temporary pain until s/he is finally given his turn for the needed attention and much wanted love.

And the situation gets vague and the complexity worsens. For in the natural order of things, everything leads to entropy and chaos is an organized clutter.

PART I (Win Some, Lose Some)

I had always been extremely competitive ever since. I am in constant pursuit to better than myself and others. I hate losing, especially sucking up and disappointing myself by delivering a lackluster performance when it matters most. I take losing so seriously that it came to a point that I developed a fear of failing. Then, I would cry, blame myself and feel sorry for my tainted, belittled ego. And the self-pity would last for days until I would found a way to redeem myself and boost my confidence once more. And for someone who regards ego so much, having my confidence back is rather orgasmic.

Well, everything changes as wisdom and perspective progresses through time. Though I am still that overly egoistic boy, my perception of losing has changed - big time. Before, failure was a ghost I cease to recognize. Now, I see failure as a nasty vegetable you may need to eat to somehow suffice the nutrient you lacked that lead you to your letdown. Failure is a detour, not a dead-end. And we have to deal with it every once in a while.

Like how I managed to deal with my three game losing streak in university-wide contests. Last semester, I had a three game winning (not really winning, since they are all second places) streak and earned some extra breads. Now, three losses and more money spent for a chance to earn anew. You see, life is in really in threes, even my winning and losing streaks tell so!

Anyhow, I guess, this is not really my month or my year, perhaps. But I have no choice but deal with the cards life gives me, right?